Feelings of a FOOL

Feelings. Where do I begin?

You know the urge you get when you know it's wrong, but you can't help but do it anyway? Then you ask yourself "Why?" Well...I'll tell you why? It's those damn feelings! Aagh!

I've been fighting with my feelings for 2 weeks now. Feelings of love and hurt. I grew to love him over a 2 year span and within one day he made that all go away. Now, the love I grew to accept and fight for turned into hurt and pain.

"I was with her for the last night years."

For 2 weeks, I went back and forth between feelings. One day it was easy to hate him and want to inflict pain, but the next day something would remind me of him and love would rush over me like a euphoric wave. This caused me to hurt even more the next day.

"You were right. I lied. I went on vacation with her not my friends."

I replay the conversation between him and I that has placed me in a cocoon of hurt, anger, and sadness. Call me a sadist, but for some reason it helps me. As tell goes on the pain subsides and it's replaced with complacency. It's like I'm stuck in a funk and I want out, but my hurt is overwhelming.

"I didn't meant to hurt you. I care for you more than you know."

Two weeks of no communication. I changed my number and cut my ties. I was doing good. Then he found a way to get a hold of me. WHY? I was doing so good. Since I see myself as a strong person, I figured a one change meeting wouldn't hurt. Boy, was I wrong. It hurt...it hurt so bad. How could I be so stupid? I knew better. I knew it didn't matter how strong I was. He always made me weak for him. I guess at the end of the day my love for him is stronger than my hurt and pain spawned by the situation. With this conclusion, I have to realize that the urges to do wrong with him are enforced by feelings...feelings of a fool.

I'll keep you posted...